I miss you...

It has been almost 7 weeks since my little sister was tragically taken from this earth and from me. I struggle on a daily basis with all the emotions. Sadness, anger, fear, regret....those are the ones you would expect. The ones that I struggle most with are ones like happiness and joy. I can no longer feel happiness without feeling guilt. I feel guilty for being happy. I feel joy in watching my children grow and learn, but it makes me sad. I am sad that Tami isn't here to feel that joy with me. I want my sister to come back so badly that it actually hurts. My body and my spirit have taken a beating over the last couple months. I feel anxiety when I drive near the crash site, I feel an ache in my chest when I am near the cemetery. I experienced my first panic attack at work while learning how to save lives. Everything around me reminds me of Tami and it reminds me that she is not here. I cry. I pray. Everyone says it will get better....I don't believe them. Supposedly there is a lesson....I don't see it.